Maybe you’ve noticed my two month hiatus from blogging?  (Or maybe not! ;))

I could say it was busyness.  And that would be true, to an extent – a couple weeks in Haiti, hosting a foreign exchange student from Spain another six, getting my hubby packed and sent off to Germany for a month.  And the kids’ soccer games and theater classes, helping with VBS, hours and hours at the pool across the street.  Laundry and groceries and bills and scrubbing the toilets, again.

But really, blaming my absence on busyness wouldn’t be entirely truthful, not indicative of the whole picture here.  Because what accounts for my silence, truly, is this heated introspective battle, this intense attempt by me to understand if I’m ‘doing ok’ at life, if I’m loving well, if I’m helping more than hurting, if folks would be better off if I spoke fewer words, loved less ferociously, backed off some.

It’s been a bit consuming.

And preoccupation with self is never good, I know.  While the Christian life requires a periodic examination of oneself, I believe it should only ever be a brief look within, and then back up and out – self-forgetfulness being at the root of Joy found in Him.  This has never been my natural tendency, however.  Always quick to dwell on my many shortcomings, ever hard on myself while giving grace effortlessly to those around me.  {Adding that to my mental list of shortcomings even now.}

And so, my tendency, as always, has been to retreat.  To move away.  To question my every thought, word, and deed.  To avoid people in an effort not to cause pain or discomfort, not to be ‘a bother’ or ‘that one person’ who folks wish would stop pursuing them, would just let them be already.  To try to protect myself from further heartache.

And yet, I keep coming back to this: our Lord, when He walked on this earth, He moved toward people.

He moved toward people from every walk of life – men, women, and children; those young and old; Jews and Gentiles, Romans even; the lame, possessed, and despised; those who thought they were ‘healthy,’ but weren’t.  Moved toward adulteresses and blind men and Pharisees, fishermen and government officials, rich tax collectors and his own dearly beloved friends.  Moved toward folks who were terrified of Him, and those who desperately wanted to understand and believe Him, but who didn’t quite ‘get it.’  Moved toward people who sought Him out and toward those who only ever wanted Him to go away, permanently.  Moved toward folks in humility and love and grace, as One come to bring Healing and Life and Light, He who would restore all things.

And He moved toward each of these people, all these people, without consideration for Himself – didn’t care about upholding His reputation or His social standing or His status in the temple.  Didn’t care what folks, whether His fiercest enemies or His own disciples, thought of Him – if they perceived Him to be a liar or a lunatic or a ‘bother.’  Didn’t seem to fear causing folks pain.  Knew that all He was to be, to do – His entire purpose for walking here – was to make a way for all to know Love.  Didn’t even consider His own life worth preserving, as He moved step after step after step, closer to His last day on this old, decaying earth – and closer too to all being made New.

And we’re called to live that same way, yes?  To follow in His footsteps, loving as He loved with the help of His Spirit?  Both seeking folks out and not shying away if and when others seek us out?  Called not to be concerned with how others might perceive us, but only ever concerned with pointing people Upward?  Not to live fearfully, but confidently, knowing that our purpose too is only to love deeply, that the world might Know?

Not surprisingly, C.S. Lewis addresses our tendency to shy away from this forward motion, toward folks in love, beautifully.

“I am a safety-first creature,” he writes.  “Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as ‘Careful!  This might lead you to suffering’…When I respond to that appeal I seem to myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ.  If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenial preference for safe investments and limited liabilities.  I doubt whether there is anything in me that pleases Him less…The only place outside of Heaven where you can be safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.”  He continues, “I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness.  If a man is not uncalculating towards the earthly beloveds he has seen, he is none the more likely to be so towards God whom He has not.  We shall draw nearer to God then, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him, throwing away all defensive armor.  If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.”

Is that what we’re all doing here, why love is oftentimes hindered this side of Heaven?

Because we’re putting on this defensive armor at times, retreating from folks in fear?  Fear of what they might think?  Fear that, if we expose our tender, vulnerable hearts, the enemy’s arrow might pierce and wound us beyond repair, that one fatal blow would be enough to take us down?  Fear that we can barely keep going ourselves and how then to move close and bear others’ burdens too?  Is that why we hesitate to move toward people?

But no, Beloved!  We are not called to a life of fear and self-preservation, but to a life of being willingly, wholeheartedly, endlessly poured out.  As He was.  Not counting the cost.  Our lives not our own.  Having been given everything we need to be Christ to one another, to the world.  Encouraged by His Word.  Strengthened by His Spirit.  Born up by His Body.

So how else to love then except fiercely, exuberantly, richly ?  And if our love is somewhat ‘lawless’ and ‘inordinate,’ so be it!

For I believe Christ is glorified in our halting efforts to move toward one another in love, even if we make a heaping mess out of things, yes?  May it be so!

May our love be His, and more and more as the Day approaches.  Amen.

 

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